Dear Dot. 2.

Eighty-four-year-old Dorothy Peakins spent three years in a Korean prison cell for a crime that she didn't commit.
During her incarceration, she became something of a relationship advisor and argument mediator to her fellow inmates.
Now she's here to solve your problems- whether you happen to be a troubled teenager or a Korean jailbird, Grandma Dot can help.


Dear Dot,

I really like this girl in my class, but I'm too scared to ask her out. What can I do?

Alright there lad, I sympathise with you, but have only one answer to that question.

Pay close attention now.

Be a MAN!



Super-MANLY!!!



Be a MAN'S MAN!!

Girls enjoy masculinity (you hear that- none of this '21st century, sensitive, moisturised male' bollocks), so next time you see her go caveman style. By this I mean dress in animal skin, club her over the head and drag her into a nearby cave/ditch by her feet. I guarantee that this'll end up winning her over. Even if she doesn't enjoy the new, 'manly' you, hopefully she'll be so badly concussed that she won't be able to refuse your date request/marriage proposal/invitation to a strip club.

Dear Dot,

I'm planning on burning down my school and fleeing the country. What is the best way?

Ah, this letter takes me back. Oh, the memories... Georgie and his dynamite... Sally with the gasoline... and little me, setting it all off with my tiny box of matches... poor Georgie... cut down in his pride... damn those Russians... we were to be married at one point... eloped to Mexico together. Alas, it wasn't to be. Guess his life of crime finally caught up with him. Wouldn't have thought it of him, back in the 1940's... such an innocent lad... cunning linguist... corrupted by us, he was- but, mark you, none of us turned out that bad in the end.
Eh, what a life...

What was the question again?



Dear Dot,


My pet badger got whisked away by a magic carpet.


Bloody hell. And I thought I was fackin' senile. Next.


Dear Dot,

 I can't find socks to fit me. I have feet like canal boats. I'm having to wear legwarmers stitched at the end and it's really getting me down.




I actually think that these are incredibly cool.
You should all buy some.
Would be immense for a prom or a wedding.

 

I'm sorry love but there's nowt I can do about that. You'll have to face the fact that your feet will only get larger.You will join the circus and become a clown. You will marry a similarly large-footed clown woman. Later in life you will have three children, all with massive feet. Then you will die, leaving a legacy of huge feet to your descendants. They will hate you forever for it.

Either that or get foot surgery. Whatever. I'm sure that'll sort it.

If you have a problem, write to your dear old Grandma Dot for helpful hints and advice at mailto:the-fez@live.co.uk

Label the subject "Dear Dot". Please note that the opinions expressed by the writer do not represent the views of 'The Fez'.

Dear Dot.

Eighty-four-year-old Dorothy Peakins has 30 years of experience in the military, as well as regular attendance at the over-60s club.

This makes her fully qualified to answer all of your menial problems.

Dear Dot,

Me and my boyfriend have been going out for a few months and that new relationship spark has fizzled out. I don't know what to do. I really do love him but he bores me to tears, if things get no better the relationship will be over. Can you help me? 

Alright there kid- sounds like you need some SPICE!!!

What you need to do there is get him some of them there edible undercrackers: g-strings, thongs, nip tassels- the whole saucy lot!



Feather pillows = shit



After that, buy yourself a pretty little car; a convertible if you have the cash, but if you don't then one of them three-wheelers (see Only Fools And Horses for details) will suffice.

Smear the bonnet with baby oil / whipped cream / Nutella / butter and make him grind on it like there's no tomorrow.

You yourself can get inside the car and get yourself a tasty front seat view... delicious ;-)

Dear Dot,



The pillows on my bed are goose feather pillows, but no matter how much I plump them up they never seem to stay that way. I'm sick to my teeth of having to sleep with 4 pillows under my head. I'm starting to get incredibly bad neck ache. What should I do? 

Smear a poultice of rat's blood over your chin before you sleep, then carve a pentagram into the ceiling above your head. This should clear up the neck ache better than any of that so called 'paracetamol' shite.
As for the pillow, have a go at stealing that lass's boyfriend from the letter above- she's got no chance if she follows that crap that I gave her.
He should be quite comfy to sleep on =)
Good luck with it.


Dear Dot,

I'm hungry. What should I have to eat? 

Welsh rarebit. Season it with the blood of a Welshman for extra flavour. Rob Brydon should do if you can get him.

 

Dear Dot,
I'm in love with a game character and I don't know what to do! I adore him- but I'm cursed with the knowledge that I can never meet him! Help?


Right, well what you've got there is a standard teenage crush- judging from the word 'he', I'm gonna assume that you're a lass, but if you're a young gay bloke then that's just dandy, so sorry 'bout the assuming business.
Remember that anyone with a 'normal' crush on an actor or musician is in exactly the same situation- they don't have a hope in hell of meeting them.

Necromorphic freak thing

What really concerns me is what kind of game you're playing- if it's, for example, Dead Space, and you've got yourself a fancy for one of them Necromorphs, then that's worrying. Same thing for Pyramid Head from Silent Hill, although I am told that he's a popular love object (?)

The fabulous Solid Snake <3

On the other hand, if it's Solid Snake or Balthier off Final Fantasy then that's fine, since they're both pixellated sex on legs.
So yeah.

If you have a problem, write to your dear old Grandma Dot for helpful hints and advice at mailto:the-fez@live.co.uk
Label the subject "Dear Dot".