Tim (The Snake Who Loved Too Much) - N. Crompton

Tim is a snake.
Tim is walking in a park. He is very sad.
Kate is sad too. Kate sees him.
They fall in love! Aww! They hug!
But Tim's a snake so...
Death by asphyxiation.

Metal Gear Pikachu!

Metal Gear Pikachu by ~glow-in-the-dark-fez on deviantART

Here's for if you don't get what this is about...



Martha x

Dear Dot. 3.

Eighty-four-year-old Dorothy Peakins has 47 great-grandchildren. She enjoys ham sandwiches with mustard, snooker and Pac Man.
Since she hasn't had a legit job in about 15 years, she has plenty of free time to sort out your daily dilemmas.

Dear Dot,

Last night I had a dream. I was being chased in a boat along a river in a rainforest, by a tribal guy riding a manatee.
Whenever I turned around, I could see him in the distance, catching up, and I had to keep paddling all the time to stay away.
Incidentally, on the way along the river I passed a dentist's surgery, a bookshop and a large Rocket Dog shoe with owls on it. Many small gnomes appeared to be living in the shoe, and the scent of frying bacon wafted forth from a hole in the toe.
What does all of this mean?

Well... I'm no fuckin' expert on this, but I'll have a go- just for you, mind?
 According to my good friend Dr. Google, being chased in a dream means that you feel that the trivial problems in your life are building up on you, and are inescapable. You feel insecure, and are controlled by feelings that are largely out of your control.

No offence to the experts, but in your case, I think that this interpretation is bullshit.

Listen up to your dear old Grandma Dot. I reckon that the manatee represents the fact that you've forgotten something important, and the memory is trying to catch you up (because the closest living relative of the manatee is in fact... the elephant! True fact. Clever or what?), however the nature of the memory depends on the species of the manatee.

Ooh, I've got these in blue. Very nice.

I don't reckon it'll be a dwarf manatee, if it's big enough for a bloke to ride on, but that would mean that the memory was about an ex with a small penis. It is likely to be an Amazonian Manatee- this represents electronic equipment. Don't ask why. If you're interested, the other two are the West Indian and West African manatees, which represent staples and bookmarks. Let's assume it was an Amazonian Manatee though.
Right, so the guy riding the manatee = you sold a friend/family member's mp3 player to raise enough money to get your face pierced (what you mistook for a tribal bloke was in fact the tattooist/piercing specialist).
The piercing got infected, and somehow the infection spread to your gums and made some teeth rotten, which were pulled out by the dentist. Whilst waiting for your mouth to stop hurting, you stopped by a book shop and hid in the corner, reading a Viz annual without the intention of buying it (the guilt of this act is following you as well).
Finally, the shoe with gnomes indicates that...erm...your feet are infested with parasites so you don't dare buy expensive shoes any more?
Whatever. Owls are nice aren't they?


Dear Dot,

It's a bit awkward to admit this but recently I've found myself becoming sexually aroused by trains.
I know how goddamn weird this is... but I can't help myself! I'm a good-looking young bloke with a steady girlfriend, but the only way that I'm able to have sex with her is by fantasising about steam engines! I ask her to breathe all over my face and imagine that the steam is covering me all over; I ask her to blow a whistle when she climaxes to try and simulate the sounds of a railroad; I bought a bag of coal and we- (chop! That's the first time something's been too explicit for this blog - Ed.) and I'm so worried that she'll leave me. Help?

Not fucking sexy.

You poor, poor man. I've heard about a lot of fetishes in my time... but trains? Dear Lord. Well. Oh God. I don't really know what to suggest. Is there any chance that you could displace this fetish with an even more powerful one? I don't know... rubber maybe? Motorbikes? Cars? God, even rowing boats would be better than trains! What do you see in them? They're always late...smell funny...usually dirty...once they arrive, they go quickly and drop you off straight after...
I don't know. If you don't want to give up trains, maybe you should try a train station. See if there are any female trainspotters who share your...erm...hobby?


Dear Dot,

Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now Grandma Dot- my life seems to be going Nowhere Fast and if I don't get some proper mates soon then I Know It's Over.
Stop Me If You've Heard This One Before, but I'm beginning to Panic. This Charming Man (me) is a Handsome Devil, but What Difference Does It Make? No one likes me anyway...Last Night I Dreamt Somebody Loves Me, but alas I know this not to be true. I asked a girl on the street for the time yesterday, and she spat at me after saying "I Don't Owe You Anything", and calling me an 'Unlovable dick'. I Started Something I Couldn't Finish last month, and I need help!
Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want Grandma Dot!

Get the fuck off my blog David Cameron- Johnny Marr didn't want you and neither do I!*

"David Cameron, stop saying that you like The Smiths, no you don't. I forbid you to like it.
11:41 PM Dec 1st via Twitter for iPhone

Dear Dot,

My wife is cheating on me, and I really can't do with confrontations. Should I just ignore it, or kill her?

You young'uns are all the same. No flair. Now, when I was your age, a man wouldn't have to even ask that question.
When I cheated on my first husband, he caught us in the act on the living room floor.
Stony-faced, he walked into the kitchen, slamming the door behind him...

..."Run George!" screamed Dorothy, gathering the fallen clothes from the floor. "He's going to fetch the carving knife for sure! He'll have your testicles for the dog!"
Shaking violently, George scrambled on his jumper backwards, with no shirt beneath it, then put one leg in his trousers before leaping through the glass window and hurtling down the street.
Tears streaming down her face, Dorothy rose from the rug, shaking shattered glass from her hair.
"Jerry, love? Jerry, please don't hurt me, darling! Jerry?"
Tentatively pushing open the door, Dorothy peered into the dimly-lit kitchen. There sat Jeremy at the table, shaking- with anger? Disgust?
"Jerry.."
Dorothy trailed off as she put her hand on his shoulder, and realised that he was sobbing and attempting to eat a large chocolate cookie.
He turned his tear-stained face towards hers... and then copiously vomited on her ruffled pinafore, before lapsing back into heartbroken wails and unsuccessful cookie eating.
Half an hour passed like this, before Jeremy gained back some semblance of dignity and asked his wife for a glass of warm milk.

Right. So what did we learn from that? You decide.

If you have a problem, write to your dear old Grandma Dot for helpful hints and advice at mailto:the-fez@live.co.uk

Label the subject "Dear Dot". Please note that the opinions expressed by the writer do not represent the views of 'The Fez'.

*If you don't get this reference, then make a greater effort in the future to be aware of musicians' Twitter feeds. Also develop an interet in The Smiths. That is all.

How Sexalicious Are You?

It's the very question upon which our self-esteem balances precariously- the answer to which has thrown many an adolescent into the dark abyss of shattered confidence and immolated ego...

How Sexalicious Are You?

 

?



Sexalicious

[seks-ah-lish-uhs]

adjective:

1. deliciously sexy

2. can be used to compare level of sexiness to deliciousness of a food

e.g. 'Yum, Matt Bellamy's like, lobster thermidor & french salad sexalicious!'

       'Eurgh, you fancy Peter Kay*? Sexalicious? More like chip shop curry mate.'

Q1: Which shop do you visit most often?

a: Ann Summers

b: Primark

c: Forbidden Planet

Q2: Which of these food products appeals to you most?

a: Caviar

b: Salmon Fishcakes

c: Fish Fingers  

Q3: Who would you be most likely to compare yourself to (appearance-wise)?

a: David Tennant / Megan Fox

b: Someone off a soap opera / sitcom

c: Homer Simpson / One of the Fat Slags (Viz)

Q4: Mattress size?

a: King

b: Double

c: Twin / Single

Q5: Reading material?

a: Intimate Adventures of a London Call Girl - Belle de Jour

b: 'Salem's Lot - Stephen King

c: Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien

Q6: You spend most time with your....?

a: Girlfriend / Boyfriend

b: Family

c: Xbox 360 / PS3

Q7: Ideal career?

a: Rock Star / Film Star

b: Artist / Nurse / Fireman / something else fairly normal

c: Professional Trainspotter

Q8:You are most proficient at...?

a: Pole Dancing

b: Basketball

c: Guitar Hero

Q9: Which combination of bands would make the best festival stage line-up?

a: The Strokes, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, The Libertines, The White Stripes, Queens Of The Stone Age

b: Foo Fighters, Metallica, Lostprophets, My Chemical Romance and... Lady Gaga?



Go Beefheart!



c: Captain Beefheart and His Magic Band, Neutral Milk Hotel, Bjorn Again, Slade, an Albert Mangelsdorff Tribute Band

Q10: Final question... best type of underwear?

a: Crotchless Pants and Nipple Clamps

b: Bra and Knickers / Y Fronts

c: Supermarket carrier bag

Now count up how many of each letter you got.

Mostly as:

Devil's Food Cake with Vanilla Ice Cream

Well... you're a bit strange if you picked a few of those options... but congrats. You are officially sexalicious. Bet you're proud of yourself. Now bugger off to that high-class stripping job of yours.

Good one if you picked the festival bands answer though.

Mostly bs:

Strawberries and Blackberries in Greek Yoghurt

You seem pretty normal. That's good. We have something to work with. To achieve the dizzy heights of sexaliciousness, you must commit yourself to a strict regime of posh food (e.g. raw oysters, foie gras etc), erotic literature and bondage wear. Or not. Anyone who considers themselves truly 'sexalicious' is probably a freak or a dickhead.

Mostly cs:

Brussel Sprouts in Custard

Oh dear.

You are either incredibly nerdy, or mental.

Both are actually good things to be.

They're just not sexalicious.

Btw, trainspotting isn't good. Otherwise cool.

*This is a joke. Don't get all offended if you happen to be a Peter Kay fan (or Peter Kay). I quite like Peter Kay. Max and Paddy was good. Pheonix Nights was better. He seems to be going a bit downhill at the moment though. That talent show thing was a bit rubbish. So yeah. Peter Kay.

Mini Comic- 'Toby The Dinosaur's Fast-Food Adventure'

Toby the Dinosaur gets a biiiig surprise when he walks into McDonalds... only to find one of his old college mates! Laugh, weep and vomit as they catch up on old times in... 'Toby the Dinosaur's Fast-Food Adventure'!

To make this look and read like a comic, print it onto A4 paper (right click the image, select 'open link' and copy that image for the best quality). Fold it in half lengthways (with the pretty pictures on the outside), then fold it in half (widthways?) with the 'front cover' (that's the big panel) inside. After that, fold the two sides out, so that the front cover shows... on the front. The back cover isn't so obvious, but you fold it the same way as the front, so once that's figured out you should get it.
Enjoy,
Martha x

Dear Dot. 2.

Eighty-four-year-old Dorothy Peakins spent three years in a Korean prison cell for a crime that she didn't commit.
During her incarceration, she became something of a relationship advisor and argument mediator to her fellow inmates.
Now she's here to solve your problems- whether you happen to be a troubled teenager or a Korean jailbird, Grandma Dot can help.


Dear Dot,

I really like this girl in my class, but I'm too scared to ask her out. What can I do?

Alright there lad, I sympathise with you, but have only one answer to that question.

Pay close attention now.

Be a MAN!



Super-MANLY!!!



Be a MAN'S MAN!!

Girls enjoy masculinity (you hear that- none of this '21st century, sensitive, moisturised male' bollocks), so next time you see her go caveman style. By this I mean dress in animal skin, club her over the head and drag her into a nearby cave/ditch by her feet. I guarantee that this'll end up winning her over. Even if she doesn't enjoy the new, 'manly' you, hopefully she'll be so badly concussed that she won't be able to refuse your date request/marriage proposal/invitation to a strip club.

Dear Dot,

I'm planning on burning down my school and fleeing the country. What is the best way?

Ah, this letter takes me back. Oh, the memories... Georgie and his dynamite... Sally with the gasoline... and little me, setting it all off with my tiny box of matches... poor Georgie... cut down in his pride... damn those Russians... we were to be married at one point... eloped to Mexico together. Alas, it wasn't to be. Guess his life of crime finally caught up with him. Wouldn't have thought it of him, back in the 1940's... such an innocent lad... cunning linguist... corrupted by us, he was- but, mark you, none of us turned out that bad in the end.
Eh, what a life...

What was the question again?



Dear Dot,


My pet badger got whisked away by a magic carpet.


Bloody hell. And I thought I was fackin' senile. Next.


Dear Dot,

 I can't find socks to fit me. I have feet like canal boats. I'm having to wear legwarmers stitched at the end and it's really getting me down.




I actually think that these are incredibly cool.
You should all buy some.
Would be immense for a prom or a wedding.

 

I'm sorry love but there's nowt I can do about that. You'll have to face the fact that your feet will only get larger.You will join the circus and become a clown. You will marry a similarly large-footed clown woman. Later in life you will have three children, all with massive feet. Then you will die, leaving a legacy of huge feet to your descendants. They will hate you forever for it.

Either that or get foot surgery. Whatever. I'm sure that'll sort it.

If you have a problem, write to your dear old Grandma Dot for helpful hints and advice at mailto:the-fez@live.co.uk

Label the subject "Dear Dot". Please note that the opinions expressed by the writer do not represent the views of 'The Fez'.

Dear Dot.

Eighty-four-year-old Dorothy Peakins has 30 years of experience in the military, as well as regular attendance at the over-60s club.

This makes her fully qualified to answer all of your menial problems.

Dear Dot,

Me and my boyfriend have been going out for a few months and that new relationship spark has fizzled out. I don't know what to do. I really do love him but he bores me to tears, if things get no better the relationship will be over. Can you help me? 

Alright there kid- sounds like you need some SPICE!!!

What you need to do there is get him some of them there edible undercrackers: g-strings, thongs, nip tassels- the whole saucy lot!



Feather pillows = shit



After that, buy yourself a pretty little car; a convertible if you have the cash, but if you don't then one of them three-wheelers (see Only Fools And Horses for details) will suffice.

Smear the bonnet with baby oil / whipped cream / Nutella / butter and make him grind on it like there's no tomorrow.

You yourself can get inside the car and get yourself a tasty front seat view... delicious ;-)

Dear Dot,



The pillows on my bed are goose feather pillows, but no matter how much I plump them up they never seem to stay that way. I'm sick to my teeth of having to sleep with 4 pillows under my head. I'm starting to get incredibly bad neck ache. What should I do? 

Smear a poultice of rat's blood over your chin before you sleep, then carve a pentagram into the ceiling above your head. This should clear up the neck ache better than any of that so called 'paracetamol' shite.
As for the pillow, have a go at stealing that lass's boyfriend from the letter above- she's got no chance if she follows that crap that I gave her.
He should be quite comfy to sleep on =)
Good luck with it.


Dear Dot,

I'm hungry. What should I have to eat? 

Welsh rarebit. Season it with the blood of a Welshman for extra flavour. Rob Brydon should do if you can get him.

 

Dear Dot,
I'm in love with a game character and I don't know what to do! I adore him- but I'm cursed with the knowledge that I can never meet him! Help?


Right, well what you've got there is a standard teenage crush- judging from the word 'he', I'm gonna assume that you're a lass, but if you're a young gay bloke then that's just dandy, so sorry 'bout the assuming business.
Remember that anyone with a 'normal' crush on an actor or musician is in exactly the same situation- they don't have a hope in hell of meeting them.

Necromorphic freak thing

What really concerns me is what kind of game you're playing- if it's, for example, Dead Space, and you've got yourself a fancy for one of them Necromorphs, then that's worrying. Same thing for Pyramid Head from Silent Hill, although I am told that he's a popular love object (?)

The fabulous Solid Snake <3

On the other hand, if it's Solid Snake or Balthier off Final Fantasy then that's fine, since they're both pixellated sex on legs.
So yeah.

If you have a problem, write to your dear old Grandma Dot for helpful hints and advice at mailto:the-fez@live.co.uk
Label the subject "Dear Dot".