How Sexalicious Are You?

It's the very question upon which our self-esteem balances precariously- the answer to which has thrown many an adolescent into the dark abyss of shattered confidence and immolated ego...

How Sexalicious Are You?

 

?



Sexalicious

[seks-ah-lish-uhs]

adjective:

1. deliciously sexy

2. can be used to compare level of sexiness to deliciousness of a food

e.g. 'Yum, Matt Bellamy's like, lobster thermidor & french salad sexalicious!'

       'Eurgh, you fancy Peter Kay*? Sexalicious? More like chip shop curry mate.'

Q1: Which shop do you visit most often?

a: Ann Summers

b: Primark

c: Forbidden Planet

Q2: Which of these food products appeals to you most?

a: Caviar

b: Salmon Fishcakes

c: Fish Fingers  

Q3: Who would you be most likely to compare yourself to (appearance-wise)?

a: David Tennant / Megan Fox

b: Someone off a soap opera / sitcom

c: Homer Simpson / One of the Fat Slags (Viz)

Q4: Mattress size?

a: King

b: Double

c: Twin / Single

Q5: Reading material?

a: Intimate Adventures of a London Call Girl - Belle de Jour

b: 'Salem's Lot - Stephen King

c: Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien

Q6: You spend most time with your....?

a: Girlfriend / Boyfriend

b: Family

c: Xbox 360 / PS3

Q7: Ideal career?

a: Rock Star / Film Star

b: Artist / Nurse / Fireman / something else fairly normal

c: Professional Trainspotter

Q8:You are most proficient at...?

a: Pole Dancing

b: Basketball

c: Guitar Hero

Q9: Which combination of bands would make the best festival stage line-up?

a: The Strokes, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, The Libertines, The White Stripes, Queens Of The Stone Age

b: Foo Fighters, Metallica, Lostprophets, My Chemical Romance and... Lady Gaga?



Go Beefheart!



c: Captain Beefheart and His Magic Band, Neutral Milk Hotel, Bjorn Again, Slade, an Albert Mangelsdorff Tribute Band

Q10: Final question... best type of underwear?

a: Crotchless Pants and Nipple Clamps

b: Bra and Knickers / Y Fronts

c: Supermarket carrier bag

Now count up how many of each letter you got.

Mostly as:

Devil's Food Cake with Vanilla Ice Cream

Well... you're a bit strange if you picked a few of those options... but congrats. You are officially sexalicious. Bet you're proud of yourself. Now bugger off to that high-class stripping job of yours.

Good one if you picked the festival bands answer though.

Mostly bs:

Strawberries and Blackberries in Greek Yoghurt

You seem pretty normal. That's good. We have something to work with. To achieve the dizzy heights of sexaliciousness, you must commit yourself to a strict regime of posh food (e.g. raw oysters, foie gras etc), erotic literature and bondage wear. Or not. Anyone who considers themselves truly 'sexalicious' is probably a freak or a dickhead.

Mostly cs:

Brussel Sprouts in Custard

Oh dear.

You are either incredibly nerdy, or mental.

Both are actually good things to be.

They're just not sexalicious.

Btw, trainspotting isn't good. Otherwise cool.

*This is a joke. Don't get all offended if you happen to be a Peter Kay fan (or Peter Kay). I quite like Peter Kay. Max and Paddy was good. Pheonix Nights was better. He seems to be going a bit downhill at the moment though. That talent show thing was a bit rubbish. So yeah. Peter Kay.

Mini Comic- 'Toby The Dinosaur's Fast-Food Adventure'

Toby the Dinosaur gets a biiiig surprise when he walks into McDonalds... only to find one of his old college mates! Laugh, weep and vomit as they catch up on old times in... 'Toby the Dinosaur's Fast-Food Adventure'!

To make this look and read like a comic, print it onto A4 paper (right click the image, select 'open link' and copy that image for the best quality). Fold it in half lengthways (with the pretty pictures on the outside), then fold it in half (widthways?) with the 'front cover' (that's the big panel) inside. After that, fold the two sides out, so that the front cover shows... on the front. The back cover isn't so obvious, but you fold it the same way as the front, so once that's figured out you should get it.
Enjoy,
Martha x

Dear Dot. 2.

Eighty-four-year-old Dorothy Peakins spent three years in a Korean prison cell for a crime that she didn't commit.
During her incarceration, she became something of a relationship advisor and argument mediator to her fellow inmates.
Now she's here to solve your problems- whether you happen to be a troubled teenager or a Korean jailbird, Grandma Dot can help.


Dear Dot,

I really like this girl in my class, but I'm too scared to ask her out. What can I do?

Alright there lad, I sympathise with you, but have only one answer to that question.

Pay close attention now.

Be a MAN!



Super-MANLY!!!



Be a MAN'S MAN!!

Girls enjoy masculinity (you hear that- none of this '21st century, sensitive, moisturised male' bollocks), so next time you see her go caveman style. By this I mean dress in animal skin, club her over the head and drag her into a nearby cave/ditch by her feet. I guarantee that this'll end up winning her over. Even if she doesn't enjoy the new, 'manly' you, hopefully she'll be so badly concussed that she won't be able to refuse your date request/marriage proposal/invitation to a strip club.

Dear Dot,

I'm planning on burning down my school and fleeing the country. What is the best way?

Ah, this letter takes me back. Oh, the memories... Georgie and his dynamite... Sally with the gasoline... and little me, setting it all off with my tiny box of matches... poor Georgie... cut down in his pride... damn those Russians... we were to be married at one point... eloped to Mexico together. Alas, it wasn't to be. Guess his life of crime finally caught up with him. Wouldn't have thought it of him, back in the 1940's... such an innocent lad... cunning linguist... corrupted by us, he was- but, mark you, none of us turned out that bad in the end.
Eh, what a life...

What was the question again?



Dear Dot,


My pet badger got whisked away by a magic carpet.


Bloody hell. And I thought I was fackin' senile. Next.


Dear Dot,

 I can't find socks to fit me. I have feet like canal boats. I'm having to wear legwarmers stitched at the end and it's really getting me down.




I actually think that these are incredibly cool.
You should all buy some.
Would be immense for a prom or a wedding.

 

I'm sorry love but there's nowt I can do about that. You'll have to face the fact that your feet will only get larger.You will join the circus and become a clown. You will marry a similarly large-footed clown woman. Later in life you will have three children, all with massive feet. Then you will die, leaving a legacy of huge feet to your descendants. They will hate you forever for it.

Either that or get foot surgery. Whatever. I'm sure that'll sort it.

If you have a problem, write to your dear old Grandma Dot for helpful hints and advice at mailto:the-fez@live.co.uk

Label the subject "Dear Dot". Please note that the opinions expressed by the writer do not represent the views of 'The Fez'.

Dear Dot.

Eighty-four-year-old Dorothy Peakins has 30 years of experience in the military, as well as regular attendance at the over-60s club.

This makes her fully qualified to answer all of your menial problems.

Dear Dot,

Me and my boyfriend have been going out for a few months and that new relationship spark has fizzled out. I don't know what to do. I really do love him but he bores me to tears, if things get no better the relationship will be over. Can you help me? 

Alright there kid- sounds like you need some SPICE!!!

What you need to do there is get him some of them there edible undercrackers: g-strings, thongs, nip tassels- the whole saucy lot!



Feather pillows = shit



After that, buy yourself a pretty little car; a convertible if you have the cash, but if you don't then one of them three-wheelers (see Only Fools And Horses for details) will suffice.

Smear the bonnet with baby oil / whipped cream / Nutella / butter and make him grind on it like there's no tomorrow.

You yourself can get inside the car and get yourself a tasty front seat view... delicious ;-)

Dear Dot,



The pillows on my bed are goose feather pillows, but no matter how much I plump them up they never seem to stay that way. I'm sick to my teeth of having to sleep with 4 pillows under my head. I'm starting to get incredibly bad neck ache. What should I do? 

Smear a poultice of rat's blood over your chin before you sleep, then carve a pentagram into the ceiling above your head. This should clear up the neck ache better than any of that so called 'paracetamol' shite.
As for the pillow, have a go at stealing that lass's boyfriend from the letter above- she's got no chance if she follows that crap that I gave her.
He should be quite comfy to sleep on =)
Good luck with it.


Dear Dot,

I'm hungry. What should I have to eat? 

Welsh rarebit. Season it with the blood of a Welshman for extra flavour. Rob Brydon should do if you can get him.

 

Dear Dot,
I'm in love with a game character and I don't know what to do! I adore him- but I'm cursed with the knowledge that I can never meet him! Help?


Right, well what you've got there is a standard teenage crush- judging from the word 'he', I'm gonna assume that you're a lass, but if you're a young gay bloke then that's just dandy, so sorry 'bout the assuming business.
Remember that anyone with a 'normal' crush on an actor or musician is in exactly the same situation- they don't have a hope in hell of meeting them.

Necromorphic freak thing

What really concerns me is what kind of game you're playing- if it's, for example, Dead Space, and you've got yourself a fancy for one of them Necromorphs, then that's worrying. Same thing for Pyramid Head from Silent Hill, although I am told that he's a popular love object (?)

The fabulous Solid Snake <3

On the other hand, if it's Solid Snake or Balthier off Final Fantasy then that's fine, since they're both pixellated sex on legs.
So yeah.

If you have a problem, write to your dear old Grandma Dot for helpful hints and advice at mailto:the-fez@live.co.uk
Label the subject "Dear Dot".