Dear Dot. 2.

Eighty-four-year-old Dorothy Peakins spent three years in a Korean prison cell for a crime that she didn't commit.
During her incarceration, she became something of a relationship advisor and argument mediator to her fellow inmates.
Now she's here to solve your problems- whether you happen to be a troubled teenager or a Korean jailbird, Grandma Dot can help.


Dear Dot,

I really like this girl in my class, but I'm too scared to ask her out. What can I do?

Alright there lad, I sympathise with you, but have only one answer to that question.

Pay close attention now.

Be a MAN!



Super-MANLY!!!



Be a MAN'S MAN!!

Girls enjoy masculinity (you hear that- none of this '21st century, sensitive, moisturised male' bollocks), so next time you see her go caveman style. By this I mean dress in animal skin, club her over the head and drag her into a nearby cave/ditch by her feet. I guarantee that this'll end up winning her over. Even if she doesn't enjoy the new, 'manly' you, hopefully she'll be so badly concussed that she won't be able to refuse your date request/marriage proposal/invitation to a strip club.

Dear Dot,

I'm planning on burning down my school and fleeing the country. What is the best way?

Ah, this letter takes me back. Oh, the memories... Georgie and his dynamite... Sally with the gasoline... and little me, setting it all off with my tiny box of matches... poor Georgie... cut down in his pride... damn those Russians... we were to be married at one point... eloped to Mexico together. Alas, it wasn't to be. Guess his life of crime finally caught up with him. Wouldn't have thought it of him, back in the 1940's... such an innocent lad... cunning linguist... corrupted by us, he was- but, mark you, none of us turned out that bad in the end.
Eh, what a life...

What was the question again?



Dear Dot,


My pet badger got whisked away by a magic carpet.


Bloody hell. And I thought I was fackin' senile. Next.


Dear Dot,

 I can't find socks to fit me. I have feet like canal boats. I'm having to wear legwarmers stitched at the end and it's really getting me down.




I actually think that these are incredibly cool.
You should all buy some.
Would be immense for a prom or a wedding.

 

I'm sorry love but there's nowt I can do about that. You'll have to face the fact that your feet will only get larger.You will join the circus and become a clown. You will marry a similarly large-footed clown woman. Later in life you will have three children, all with massive feet. Then you will die, leaving a legacy of huge feet to your descendants. They will hate you forever for it.

Either that or get foot surgery. Whatever. I'm sure that'll sort it.

If you have a problem, write to your dear old Grandma Dot for helpful hints and advice at mailto:the-fez@live.co.uk

Label the subject "Dear Dot". Please note that the opinions expressed by the writer do not represent the views of 'The Fez'.