Dear Dot.

Eighty-four-year-old Dorothy Peakins has 30 years of experience in the military, as well as regular attendance at the over-60s club.

This makes her fully qualified to answer all of your menial problems.

Dear Dot,

Me and my boyfriend have been going out for a few months and that new relationship spark has fizzled out. I don't know what to do. I really do love him but he bores me to tears, if things get no better the relationship will be over. Can you help me? 

Alright there kid- sounds like you need some SPICE!!!

What you need to do there is get him some of them there edible undercrackers: g-strings, thongs, nip tassels- the whole saucy lot!



Feather pillows = shit



After that, buy yourself a pretty little car; a convertible if you have the cash, but if you don't then one of them three-wheelers (see Only Fools And Horses for details) will suffice.

Smear the bonnet with baby oil / whipped cream / Nutella / butter and make him grind on it like there's no tomorrow.

You yourself can get inside the car and get yourself a tasty front seat view... delicious ;-)

Dear Dot,



The pillows on my bed are goose feather pillows, but no matter how much I plump them up they never seem to stay that way. I'm sick to my teeth of having to sleep with 4 pillows under my head. I'm starting to get incredibly bad neck ache. What should I do? 

Smear a poultice of rat's blood over your chin before you sleep, then carve a pentagram into the ceiling above your head. This should clear up the neck ache better than any of that so called 'paracetamol' shite.
As for the pillow, have a go at stealing that lass's boyfriend from the letter above- she's got no chance if she follows that crap that I gave her.
He should be quite comfy to sleep on =)
Good luck with it.


Dear Dot,

I'm hungry. What should I have to eat? 

Welsh rarebit. Season it with the blood of a Welshman for extra flavour. Rob Brydon should do if you can get him.

 

Dear Dot,
I'm in love with a game character and I don't know what to do! I adore him- but I'm cursed with the knowledge that I can never meet him! Help?


Right, well what you've got there is a standard teenage crush- judging from the word 'he', I'm gonna assume that you're a lass, but if you're a young gay bloke then that's just dandy, so sorry 'bout the assuming business.
Remember that anyone with a 'normal' crush on an actor or musician is in exactly the same situation- they don't have a hope in hell of meeting them.

Necromorphic freak thing

What really concerns me is what kind of game you're playing- if it's, for example, Dead Space, and you've got yourself a fancy for one of them Necromorphs, then that's worrying. Same thing for Pyramid Head from Silent Hill, although I am told that he's a popular love object (?)

The fabulous Solid Snake <3

On the other hand, if it's Solid Snake or Balthier off Final Fantasy then that's fine, since they're both pixellated sex on legs.
So yeah.

If you have a problem, write to your dear old Grandma Dot for helpful hints and advice at mailto:the-fez@live.co.uk
Label the subject "Dear Dot".